He Tangata, He Tangata, He Tangata: What My Father Taught Me About Leading Across Generations

Written by Pasitaua Haufano, CEO and Founder of Zeducation.

Last week, we buried my Aunty Mele.

She was my father's sister, and as is the way in our Tongan culture, the family came together to mourn, to remember and celebrate her life. There was food to organise, koha to gather, family flying in, prayers to hold, and a programme to run.

My father, being the eldest sibling and the most confident on his feet, was asked to be the spokesperson for the family. He took it on the way he takes on most things. Quietly, completely, and without fuss.

The burial service was held at the Siasi Tonga in Mangere. It is a Tongan Christian church, run by Tongan faifekau, full of Tongan voices, Tongan hymns, and Tongan tradition. Our family sat together in the way we always do, brothers and sisters, cousins and grandchildren, the older generation in the front and the younger generation watching how the older generation grieves. It is one of those rooms where you feel the weight of where you come from in your bones.

After the malanga, my father stood to give his speech.

The line that caught me

Most of the room expected him to open in Tongan, or perhaps in English. Instead, with his thick Tongan accent, my father opened in te reo Māori.

"Tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou katoa. E mihi nui ana ki a koutou. He tangata, he tangata, he tangata. Haere mai, kake mai, nau mai, piki mai, ki Tāmaki Makaurau, ki Aotearoa."

For a few people in the room, you could see the small flicker of surprise. A Tongan man, in a Tongan church, on the day of a Tongan burial, opening in the language of the whenua. It was a brave thing to do, and a beautiful thing to witness.

But for those of us who know him, it was no surprise at all. My father always opens this way. Weddings, birthdays, family gatherings, funerals. Wherever Tongans are gathered in this country, my father opens with a mihi. It is simply who he is.

I glanced across to the faifekau. I was watching for any hint that it might have caused offence. Instead, every one of them smiled and nodded their heads in agreement. The moment passed. The service continued. Aunty Mele was laid to rest with all the love and dignity our family could carry to her.

The conversation after

Later that morning, after the burial, the faifekau pulled my father aside. They spoke to him in Tongan, with warmth in their voices.

"Did you know, you are the first person who has ever spoken Māori in our church? It has never happened before. You are the first."

My father did not pause to think about it. He simply said:

"We are on Māori land. I must pay respect to the people who let us Tongans live here, use their land, build our churches, and practise our culture and beliefs freely. I will always pay respect to Māori. This is who I am. I will never stop, even till the day I die."

I have been turning that moment over in my mind ever since. What he did was small in time, perhaps thirty seconds of a long day, and yet it carried something so much larger than the moment itself. It carried a way of leading that I want to name out loud, because I think it is exactly what this country needs more of right now.

What my father taught me about timeless leadership

1) Honour the ground you stand on. My father has lived in this country for most of his life, and he has never once treated that as a small thing. Our churches, our businesses, our schools, our homes are all built on whenua that does not belong to us. The Māori people opened their land and their laws to allow our culture to exist freely here, to raise our family, and that is not a debt you settle once. It is a posture you carry every day. We can argue all we want about policy and politics, but the simple truth is this. If we do not honour the people of this land in how we behave, our words about respect mean nothing. No law, no opposition, no political season should be allowed to suppress the diversity that makes Aotearoa what it is, and the way each of us behaves in our small rooms is what protects it most.

2) Live your values out loud, even when no one is asking you to. My father did not open in te reo because the room expected it, or because it was strategic, or because somebody was watching. He opened in te reo because that is who he is when nobody is watching. The mihi at Aunty Mele's funeral is the same mihi he gives at our family birthdays and at our weddings. There is no version of him that switches on for one room and off for another. That is conviction, and it is one of the rarest things in leadership today. Most leaders perform their values when they think it counts, and quietly drop them when they think it doesn't. The leaders who shape generations are the ones who simply will not be moved.

3) "He tangata, he tangata, he tangata." When my father told me about his speech afterwards, he explained why he says it three times. He said this is what he loves about the Māori culture. We acknowledge three groups of people in everything we do. The people who came before us, our ancestors, who carried us here through their sacrifice. The people who are blessed to be alive and gathered today. And the people who will come after us, the generation we are still preparing the ground for. Three groups, three breaths, one lineage. That is timeless leadership in a single line. It is the reminder that we are never leading just for today, just for ourselves, just for the room we are standing in. We are leading for those who came before, those beside us, and those still to come.

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Reflect

❑ Whose ground are you standing on, and how are you honouring it in the way you lead each day?

❑ If someone watched you lead in three different rooms this week, would they see the same person, or three different versions?

❑ What are you doing today that the generation after you will quietly thank you for?

❑ Are you leading only for the people in the room, or also for the ones who came before and the ones still to come?

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